Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
