Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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