I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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