thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
