Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
