Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize