Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
