The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
