her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Randomize