Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
