went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
