I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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