Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
