Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
