im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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