That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Randomize