Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
