Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize