Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
