If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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