the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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