How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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