ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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