why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize
