It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
nutella sex= disaster
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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