i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
