I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
