chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
