I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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