no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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