i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
BRING THE BAGELS
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Randomize
