Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
