Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
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