i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
