Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
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