She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
