I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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