You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
