they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
