I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
