Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
