you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize