his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
