i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
