my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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