My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
