Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Randomize
