My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
