We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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