Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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