when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Randomize
