Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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