I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
