The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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