He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
